Tea Party Poopers Pee on Pedigrees
Thousands or at least hundreds or maybe dozens of Tea Party pet owners this week traded accusations of bogus pedigrees and fraudulent registrations for the upcoming Tea Party Pet Show.
You might have expected some esprit de corps among this crew, but snapping dogs snap at friend and foe alike—and so do their snapping dogs.
Here are some of the applicants and the pets they are entering.
Rush Limbaugh and “Fistula”
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These two look so alike that when Rush doesn’t actually have a cigar in his mouth, nobody knows who to hand the illegal prescription drugs to.
Michelle Bachmann and “Crystal Meth”
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Crystal might get kicked out for biting. She bites alot because Michelle didn’t want to send her to one of those doggie “re-education camps” where she would be - gasp! - socialized. (It said so right on the brochure!) Nevertheless, everyone at the show agrees that Michelle’s incessant barking is worse than Crystal’s bite.
John Boehner and “Coppertone”
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Some contestants challenged Coppertone’s registration on the legal technicality that a dog can’t claim to be owned by another dog. Boehner threw a tantrum and threatened an apocalypse if his dog was disqualified. Show coordinator Michael Steele took him aside and said, “John, be like me and let the GOP talking points go when you’re off work. You’re always ‘apocalypse this’ and ‘apocalypse that’. Armageddon sick of it.”
Orly Taitz and “Srsly”
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Birther Orly Taitz accused John Boehner of falsifying papers for Coppertone, insisting that the dog was not registered in the U.S. but in Kenya (here’s proof!) and that his sire was not a dog but a balloon animal (more proof!). Taitz in turn took heat for showing an Afghan, with Rush Limbaugh taunting the dog to put on a burqa and Sarah Palin going so far as to suggest that Taitz was “palling around with terrorists”.
Glenn Beck and “Glenn Beck”
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The resemblance between these two unapologetic hams is uncanny, and once the show gets underway they’re expected to chew the scenery both literally and figuratively. Meanwhile, Beck has been reprimanded for maligning the show’s judges and inciting the other dogs to acts that would surely land them in the pound. He was overheard saying, “Radical, activist judges are poking and prodding. Why do you think they are poking and prodding all the time? They need you to snarl and growl. They need you to bite postmen and chase cars, but don’t DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!”
Sarah Palin and “Spoor”
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After being rejected when she tried to enter her husband Todd as a malamute, Sarah Palin then entered her “dog” Spoor, who she said could smell Russia from her house in Alaska. Nobody is bothering to contest this suspicious claim or the animal’s species because she is expected to quit long before the judging begins.