Dunces on the Hill

You can’t obtain Stupid Pills in just any healthcare plan. You have to have the Cadillac coverage available to congresspeople and to Divas and Doocys on Fox News.

It’s just as well. Stupid Pills are in short supply. Jointly developed by Pfazer and Jerck, giant pfarmaceutical pfirms, Stupid Pills contain the rare-earth element Imbecilium, found only in a few back pockets of Kentucky, Kansas, North Carolina, Louisiana, Texas, and Oklahoma – all of which have state laws reserving most of the local Imbecilium for use in municipal water supplies.

Still, demonstrations of the Stupid Pill’s efficacy abound.

In a study by the Sunshine Foundation, the scholastic grade level equivalent of speeches made by members of Congress has fallen by nearly a full grade since 2006. The most conservative members were ranked at the bottom.

Of the 20 lowest scoring members, 17 were Republicans, and new Tea Party members proved to be the most conspicuous dunces of all.

Tea Partyers smuggle Stupid Pills into meetings of their caucus in doctored packets of Splenda. Then their pupils dilate and they go forth to dispense sound bites.

When Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif) announced at a town meeting that global warming is a total fraud, one voter pointed out that global warming has been proved to have happened, even in ancient times.

“That,” sniffed Rohrabacher, “could have been caused by dinosaur flatulence.”

Mind you, he’s on the House Science Committee.

On the Senate side, the effects of Imbecilium are most pronounced in the antics of Rand Paul, who represents what you might call the state of Kentucky. In an interview on Bloomberg TV, Paul was asked whom he would like to see appointed as Ben Bernanke’s successor at the Federal Reserve.

His answer: Milton Friedman.

On Fox News, he would have gotten away with that; but the Bloomberg interviewer noted that Friedman had been dead for quite a while. He would have been 101 years old by now.

Paul frequently derides Barack Obama because, he says, “We’re running a trillion dollar a year deficit.” That passes for sanity on Hannity, but the fact is that the current deficit is about $400 billion less than that, and it’s been shrinking fast ever since Obama inherited the financial apocalypse from Bush.

(Eric Cantor also keeps wailing about the “growing deficit,” but we don’t think he takes Stupid Pills. He just lies.)

Rand Paul also grumbles that we should stop picking on BP Petroleum just because they killed 11 workers and ruined the Gulf of Mexico. People who keep criticizing and penalizing BP, he complains, “are really un-American.”

Somebody please ask him what the “B” in BP stands for.

No doubt the House Republicans will go on abusing Stupid Pills, but at least we can now understand why they voted 40 times to repeal Obamacare. They’re afraid healthcare reform will do away with Imbecilium in the reservoirs, and nobody in their right mind would vote for them.

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About Al

Editors of The Horse You Rode In On (listed below) hail from Boston, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. All contributions are signed. When guest contributors are included, their comments will be signed in a manner consistent with their needs for discretion, witness protection, or yearning for personal adulation.