The Mother’s Milk of Politics

This will have to be a short post because I have a lot of checks to write in support of worthy charities who work to save drowning kittens and shade-bound petunias.

These are 501(c)(4) groups, otherwise known as “social welfare” organizations, who have solemnly assured the IRS that they wouldn’t dream of subverting my eleemosynary intentions by using the money to support crooked Republican politicians or to smear honest Democrats – or, vice-versa, theoretically, but we all know where the floodtide of dark money rises.

And, no, it’s not from “big labor,” which now consists of the last 16 guys who carry both a union card and a nail-driver.

My first check will go to American Crossroads, Karl Rove’s slush fund, which I assume uses the money to plant crown vetch and ornamental grasses around the off-ramps and leave Gideon bibles at toll booths. I’m fairly sure they’re clean because last November all of Karl Rove’s favored candidates lost.

Next comes the Mother Teresa Puppy Pampering Patriots Fund, then the Seraphic Redemption Coalition, which is devoted to rehabilitating sleazy crooks by getting them good-paying jobs as clowns or congressmen. Otherwise, they’d all be in jail, and it would cost us a fortune to feed them.

So many are in desperate need:

Quid Pro Quo (must be a Catholic charity), Mother’s Milk for Maggots (Who knew they were even endangered?), Eye of Newt, Unplanned Parenthood, Saturday Night Special Olympics, Greased Palm Sunday, Healthy Food and Uzis for Cub Scouts, Far-Righteous Oligarchs for Christ.

A few others look a little fringy, and you can’t really be sure they actually deserve their special tax status. Thanks to a few bad apples who hold a majority in the House and a few bumblers and bunglers in the IRS, the 501(c)(4) groups don’t have to disclose whether their donors are schoolteachers, gospel singers, animal shelters, bailed-out bankers, polluting industrialists, foreign intelligence agencies, drug lords, gun dealers, or terrorists.

And thanks to conservatives on the Supreme Court, there’s no legal limit as to how big the bribe.

I wish I could be sure I’ve picked the right “social welfare” groups, but they’re all cloaked in secrecy. I wonder why.

Just to be on the safe side, I’ll limit my contributions to $2 apiece.

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About Al

Editors of The Horse You Rode In On (listed below) hail from Boston, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. All contributions are signed. When guest contributors are included, their comments will be signed in a manner consistent with their needs for discretion, witness protection, or yearning for personal adulation.