Monkey Trials & Errors

Australopithecus, pithecanthropus, homo erectus, homo habilis, finally homo sapiens.

It’s evolution. It’s all true. And creationism is a scam used by liars to fleece ignoramuses –- what Oscar Wilde might have described as he described fox hunting — the pursuit of the inedible by the unspeakable.

But that doesn’t mean there are no more monkeys.

Cars evolve, too, but people still drive Oldsmobiles. Cops still turn on the sirens and flashers of their Ford Crown Victorias to chase bad guys, and good luck to the bank robber trying to get away in a Kia.

Even now, Neanderthals are thriving in state legislatures and in the U.S. House of Representatives. Monkeys are still getting elected as governors of primitive societies such as those of Arkansas, Alaska, Texas, Louisiana, Kentucky, Kansas, Oklahoma, and of course Tennessee, with its proud tradition of monkey trials.

They’ve even infiltrated the Senate.

True, Rick Santorum, Mark Sanford, Tim Pawlenty, and Jim DeMint have been rounded up and returned to their respective monkey houses; and Sam Brownback was lured into the Kansas governor’s mansion and euphemized. But James Inhofe of Oklahoma is still in the Senate, and now Marco Rubio of Florida, along with several other creationists still in the closet –- nocturnal animals following the furtive spoor of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

Rubio was recently asked by a journalist from GQ how old he thought the earth was.

“I’m not a scientist, man,” the senator said (our nomination for understatement of the year) … “That’s a dispute among theologians …

“Whether the earth was created in 7 days or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.”

Rubio is a member of the Senate’s Science Committee.

When he filled out the papers to file as a candidate for the Senate, he was asked his age and spent 45 minutes studying Genesis. To be on the safe side, he took the given ages of Adam (930 years) and Methuselah (969 years) and split the difference. He’s 949.

Actually, I made up that last episode. Could you tell? But what Rubio actually professes to believe is even sillier.

It’s all reminiscent of when Charlton Heston landed on a planet where apes were the most advanced species and Heston had to make a living as head of the National Rifle Association.

The truth is, the earth was formed 4.54 billion years ago — which somehow or other works out to 6,600 monkey years.

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About Al

Editors of The Horse You Rode In On (listed below) hail from Boston, Pittsburgh, and San Francisco. All contributions are signed. When guest contributors are included, their comments will be signed in a manner consistent with their needs for discretion, witness protection, or yearning for personal adulation.