Chasms Between the Isms
A miraculously lucid series dedicated to understanding and respecting the deeply held though often imbecilic beliefs of others.
Part XXVII: ATHEISM
Atheism? The inclusion of non-belief in this universally acclaimed series on faiths, creeds, myths, movements, schisms, and heresies may seem paradoxical, but consider:
Mathematics was getting absolutely nowhere until the Babylonians invented zero.
Atheism is the zero of belief systems. Think of it as the space between the phalanxes of holy warriors, without which nobody could find his own mess hall.
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Still, few religious believers can understand how anyone can be an atheist. They think we must be kidding. They’re absolutely certain that we all change our minds in fox holes or when we really, really want to win the lottery or on our deathbeds, and that’s what they tell each other at the funeral parlor. “Don’t you think that toward the end he began to realize…”
After all, the true believer reasons, how would a non-believer know that it isn’t okay to murder people? Or to move your golf ball with your toe? Indeed, how could an atheist avoid adultery the way religious people all do? The various bafflements of the faithful on this issue could be generalized as one summary question:
Can an atheist be taught to take a bath?
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Why was I invited to explain atheism? I don’t believe I know. But to clarify the mysteries of how atheists get through the day, it may be useful to consider a few of the differences between their practices and others.
In atheism, instead of commandments we have aphorisms.
For example:
Stop digging.
Do unto others before they do unto you
(inscription on the atheist half dollar)
It is harder for a rich man to gain the kingdom of heaven
than for a camel to pass through the knee of an idol
(To an atheist, it’s no sin to fracture someone else’s aphorism.)
Look into the pewter pot
to see the world as the world is not
…for malt does more than Milton can
to justify God’s ways to man
–AE Houseman
If, as the Buddha says, there is no self,
then whose arthritis is this?
– from the blazing canons of Zen Judaism
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Not only is there no God,
but try getting a plumber on weekends
–Woody Allen
If you are a self-made man,
resist the foolish impulse to worship your creator
My people believe these legends because they are stupid.
And I believe them too.
– Phil Leeds
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Instead of beatitudes, we have platitudes:
You break it, you bought it.
Be not stung; neither a borrower from a lender bee.
Only the Rambo gets the bimbo.
(originally, Only the brave deserve the fair.)
Live one day at a time.
And scratch where it itches.
Never pretend to be asleep.
Always pretend to be awake.
The problem with Capitalism is the same as
the problem with Christianity – it’s never been tried.
– Paul Samuelson
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
–Stephen Wright
Clean mind, clean body – take your pick.
– Sha Na Na
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Atheist rituals, protocols, and taboos.
In many churches, they have a mite box or a poor box, and they pass a collection basket. Atheists have a breadbox, and they pass the butter. If you are a seeker after transforming liturgy, you’ve knocked on the wrong door.
Churchgoers have processionals and sing hymns. Atheists mostly wander about mumbling and quoting Mark Twain or Yogi Berra.
You may have been told that atheists have buttons on the left side of their shirts instead of the right, but that isn’t true. Buttons on the left mean it’s not a shirt, it’s a blouse. Nihilists (our fundamentalists) have no buttons at all, except their navels. They believe zip and use zippers.
In some religions, people swear oaths on a bible, koran, torah, or a double stone tablet inscribed with a menu or something. Atheists swear on Webster’s New World Dictionary, which they refer to as “The Words.” Reform atheists have been known to use a thesaurus.
All great isms have a creation myth. In atheism, it’s the Big Bang. In some versions, the expansion later reverses, so our apocalypse is a Big Crunch – which we’ll never regard as a sacred icon but may decide to use as the name of a breakfast cereal.
Most religions bifurcate into sects. Atheists bifurcate whenever possible, but their plural for sect is sex. In Semitic semantics, this was known as a distinction without a difference.
Atheists who like choirs and hard, wooden benches become Unitarians. For most of us, the nearest thing we have to a church is Starbucks.
NEXT: PART XXVIII – The Isms of Panama
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What about relics and other condiments?
Comment by Barb — December 21, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
They’re in the refrigerator — actually the friezer, the ornamental ossuary where we keep the wishbones (since we don’t have saints, we don’t have the bones of saints, though I’m sure we could get some on E-Bay). But you raise an interesting point: we do believe that when you close the refrigerator door, the light stays on.
Comment by Al — December 21, 2009 @ 11:40 pm
PS: As a personal footnote — in my own friezer, I have also preserved an old toasted cheese sandwich. Someone must have sneezed on the cheese because it discolored into the spitting image of Isaac Newton.
Comment by Al — December 22, 2009 @ 12:06 am
I’ve experienced the same phenomenon, except it was the spitting image of Fig Newton, which we use for a host … and hostess.
Comment by Steve Alber — December 28, 2009 @ 10:38 am
Truly a priceless relic. Tragically, though, Fig sat under the wrong kind of tree and never got the publicity showered on his brother.
Comment by Al — December 28, 2009 @ 1:55 pm