The Self-Inflicted Coup-de-Grace
Dictionaries of quotations are crammed with supposedly brilliant ripostes, but more entertaining – though less often preserved – are the utter failures in the annals of the coup de grace..
In the heat of scholarly or parliamentary debate — or just an argument — someone wheels out his biggest artillery piece to return fire, and the shell explodes in the muzzle. Embarrassing.
You’ll have your own favorites. Here are a couple of mine.
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At the end of the 18th century, Sir Boyle Roche was a much-loved member of the Irish parliament, renowned for his unintended humor; e.g.,
“Why should we put ourselves out of our way to do anything for posterity, for what has posterity ever done for us?”
His most famous remark came when Edmund Burke’s son burst uninvited into parliament carrying a petition and headed straight for the Speaker’s desk, intending to read it. He was met by the Sergeant at Arms, with sword drawn, then by other clerks, and finally beat a retreat through the back door.
A member objected that the Sergeant at Arms should have blocked his escape. Sir Boyle responded:
“Does the gentleman suppose that the Sergeant at Arms, like a bird, can be in two places at once?”
And one more:
“It is the duty of every true lover of his country to give his last guinea to save the remainder of his fortunes!”
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A lover of antiquity (I don’t have a name for this one), arguing that they just don’t make buildings like they used to:
“Where will you find any modern building that has lasted as long as the ancient?”
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Finally, and more recently, an intended coup de grace from a relativist objecting to the arrogant presumptions of scientists and their researches.
A study had shown that Egyptian pharaoh Ramses II had probably died of tuberculosis. “Aha!” sneered the skeptic,
“How could Ramses II, in 1213 BC, have been killed by a bacillus only discovered by Robert Koch in 1882?”
Talk about a retrovirus. Next thing, they’ll be claiming that dinosaurs had DNA.
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Two goodies, plus one all-time favorite:
“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“If we do not succeed we run the risk of failure.” — Dan Quayle
And, drum roll please:
“Smoking can kill you, and if you’ve been killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields
Lastly, while not in the same category of having a shot blow up in the muzzle of your gun, are ripostes that are kind of like throwing a grenade up in the air and running under it, e.g.,
American diplomat, observing Abraham Lincoln attending to his own boots: “Mr. President, do you actually black your own boots?”
Lincoln: “Yes, whose boots do you black?”
Comment by John DePaul — October 6, 2009 @ 8:59 am
All goodies — and the Lincoln is an all-time great (which I for one had never heard).
Comment by Al — October 6, 2009 @ 9:59 am
Incidentally, not that it would have mattered to Ramses, but a little-known fact: bacteria are immortal. They can be killed, but they don’t naturally die; so the microbes that infected the pharaoh could have been around for a hundred million years.
Comment by Al — October 6, 2009 @ 10:04 am
My father was a steel mill equipment dealer. It was hard-core, wheeler-dealer, corporate stuff. He got lots of intense business calls at night and on the weekends. One Saturday afternoon when I was a kid he was engaged in a hot argument with a colleague in New York. He obviously said something impugning the character of this guy, who responded, “I’ll have you know I speak five languages.” My Dad replied, “Good training to be a head waiter.”
Comment by Rick L. — October 6, 2009 @ 10:53 am
This will be a familiar tale to several readers (and one of the writers) of this blog, from back in the day when we worked at BBDO Advertising. We had a media director named Ray whose foot was never far from his mouth.
At the climax of a major presentation to a big steel client – after all the ads had been shown and the budget proposed, and there was that dramatic pause before the client’s reaction – Ray felt the compulsion to fill in the silence.
“Gentlemen, I assure you that if you run the ads we’ve shown you in the media we’ve discussed, this campaign will stand out like Tom Thumb.”
Since we had some of the best writers in the business, after that disaster we got together for a brainstorm – if we really wanted to find a more catastrophic malaprop than Ray’s, would we be able to think of one? We couldn’t come anywhere near it. The closest we got was,
“You can’t get blood from a turtle.”
Comment by Frank Haller — October 6, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
And my all-time favorite, spoken by ex-news bunny Beverly Byers on WPXI:
“Groucho Marx took a turn for the worse this evening. In fact, he died.”
Comment by Steve Alber — October 7, 2009 @ 10:23 am
… and lest I forget, speaking of TV personalities. The late Bill Burns, KDKA’s answer to Mrs. Malaprop, uttered this doozie when Emporer Hirohito visited Williamsburg, VA during the latter part of Octoberl:
“Emperor Hirohito rides through Williamsburg in an open carriage, and weatherman Kudzma says there’s a nip in the air.”
Comment by Steve Alber — October 7, 2009 @ 10:30 am
Now you’ve done it! You’ve brought up Beverly Byers, whose exploits could fill these pages unassisted.
Beverly used to appear each night with Adam Lynch and Jack Edsel. One night, the nightly news came on, and there was Beverly, alone at the desk.
“Good evening,” she said. “I’m Beverly Byers. Adam’s sick and Jack’s off.”
Comment by AL — October 7, 2009 @ 12:28 pm