Birthers from Planet X
A poll came out this week reporting that fewer than half of Republicans believe that Obama is a citizen. That’s how the human mind degenerates on a steady diet of O’Reilly, Dobbs, Beck, Fox News, hate radio, Limbaugh and Cheez Whiz. It’s Bedtime for Bonzo and the party of Lincoln.
Worse, the Birthers are busting out all over in the House and the Senate. They don’t want to risk losing the white supremacy vote, the creationist coalition, conspiracy cults, flat earthers, yahoos (Swift’s yahoos, not Yahoo!), and that guy at the town meeting who admonished Obama to “Keep your government hands off my Medicare.”
But it’s those congressmen who worry me. Have you heard their unintelligible incantations and seen their eyebrows detach and re-attach in hydrophobic attempts at eloquence?
I wonder where they were born. Are they prepared to prove they’re from this planet?
Now pay attention. This is far more plausible than any case being babbled about by the anti-Obama Birthers.
Assume that an alien civilization is looking for a place to dispose of its toxic waste, and they’ve noticed that we don’t seem to mind it, though of course they would want to be discreet to avoid hostile reactions. Studying our practices, they would observe that we dump our worst specimens into the Republican caucuses of the House and Senate, the Kentucky, Oklahoma, and Texas legislatures, the covens of Fox TV and the broadcast booths of talk radio. So that’s where they would dispose of theirs.
How could we spot an undesirable alien in Congress?
Using methods and materials unknown to our science (don’t they always?), the aliens could easily forge birth certificates as credentials for their debased and deported life forms. Actualy, any clerk in Kinko’s could forge the paperwork in states like Kentucky and Oklahoma where hunting licenses are lovingly engraved but birth certificates are run off on an old Ditto machine because childbirth is considered a punishment to be inflicted on women who have engaged in sex.
So we’re certainly not going to accept the Birthers’ certificates as proof that they’re earthlings.
And since they keep demanding that Obama produce his own birth certificate – which has already been published everywhere that literate people gather – obviously in their system it’s up to the accused to prove his innocence over and over again.
The Birthers in Congress will have to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that they’re not from Andromeda, the Death Star, or the evil black hole that swallowed the Rapture.
And they’ll have to prove it over and over again for the rest of their lives – or at least until we figure out a way to send them back.
In the meantime, let’s hope there are some real brand-name Republicans left – or Blue Dog Democrats, who are generic Republicans — to boot the Birthers out of Congress before they destroy the two-party system altogether.
No Comments »
No comments yet.
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>