Down the Drain
Frank Haller is one of our most talented moles, infiltrating under deep cover into the conservative movement. Though publicly he demonstrates in “Feudalism Now!” rallies, at heart he is a crusader for truth, justice, and the American way – as witness his latest report:
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It is abundantly clear that Americans are not doing enough to support President Obama’s programs to conserve energy and resources. To cite one example, although Americans constitute only 5% of the world’s population we consume over 50% of the world’s hot water and soap.
Who is behind this brazen excess? Big Soap.
While our national obsession with personal hygiene and clean clothes is washing our future down the drain, the greedy manufacturers of soap are awash in obscene profits.
Big Soap lobbyists and their Madison Avenue marketers have polluted TV screens across the country with happy commercials that praise the virtues of their products in the unnatural cleansing of clothes and bodies. But these liars won’t come clean on the cost to the environment.
Big Soap ignores the effect that hot water adds to global warming.
Americans have to end their love affair with the daily shower and get back to the simpler days of the weekly Saturday night bath. And clothes and linens that are not subjected to the frequent torture of automatic washers will last longer, achieving additional savings.
Our reputation around the world has suffered because of our showy and unbalanced consumption of hot water and soap, and we would be wise to remember the age old adage:
Cleanliness is next to gaudiness.
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I knew there must be a conspiracy under there somewhere! Like so much other corruption, Big Soap originally bubbled up in military contracts dating back to the Cold War. Remember Massive Detergence?
Comment by Al — June 2, 2009 @ 3:40 pm
Haller is in such a lather!
It’s delightful to see an old ad man make a case against the
“Stronger Than Dirt!” crowd.
Comment by John Waldron — June 2, 2009 @ 4:54 pm
Contrary to intelligence gathered by the Horse’s Heads, F.J. Haller’s next undercover op will focus on Big Bands; not, as one might hope, against either Big Labor or Big Government.
Comment by JDP — June 3, 2009 @ 8:05 am
That’s scary. Big bands as in Lawrence Welk and Paul Whiteman? Or as in Band of Brothers?
Comment by Al — June 3, 2009 @ 1:19 pm