Epistles of the Impostor Apostles

Continuing our scripture feature, we seek out passages to inspire hope and fearlessness during troubled times. To this purpose we had hoped to acquire the Lindisfarne Bible, but after the stock market collapse, the only bible we could afford was a disreputable, overthumbed edition from AbeBooks which may in fact be a Boy Scout manual from the 1930s. Still, in the words of Bob Cratchet, it’s the spirit that counts.

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“Sneak and ye shall find.”

- Paul’s Epistle to the Alaskans

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“The ox knoweth his owner,
and the ass his master’s crib.”

- song of Salomon Bros.

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“In that day seven women shall
take hold of one man.”

- Lascivious LXIX

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“The last shall be first
and the first shall be last,
so the guy in the middle
just keeps getting passed.
Alleleujah”

- Proverbs

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“Though your sins be as scarlet,
they will soon be white as snow.”

- Public Relations I, 3

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“It is better to go the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting. Unless, you know, like if you’re hungry.”

Ecclesiastes VII, 2

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Exegesis:

Noah was six hundred years old when the sluices of heaven opened. At that age, it is really, really hard to capture birds of the heavens, a male and female of each, wild beasts and reptiles, and to gather up resinous wood and build a huge boat. Of course Noah had some younger men to help. His sons Shem, Ham, and Japheth were in their mid-570’s.

*

“He (Yahweh) rescues you from the snares of fowlers hoping to destroy you; he covers you with his feathers. Pfffft!”

- Psalm 9

5 Comments »

1. “1 Now the whole earth had one language and few words, which were “Honey, can you hand me the remote.” Genesis 11-1

   Comment by Mrs D. — November 6, 2008 @ 1:42 pm

2. When he was about to enter Egypt, McCain said to Sar’ai his running mate, “I know that you are a woman beautiful to behold but with little brain; 12 and when the Moderate Republicans see you and hear you speak, they will say, ‘This is his VP choice!; then they will kill me, but they will let you live. 13 Say you are my soul mate and the new voice of the Republican Party, that it may go well with me because of you, and that my political life may be spared on your account.” 14 When McCain entered the GOP National Convention the Republicansaw that the woman was very beautiful. 15 And when the Bill Kristol saw her, he praised her to the Republican Base. And the woman was taken into the Republican fold.16 And for her sake they dealt well with McCain; and he had sheep, oxen, he-asses, menservants, maidservants, she-asses, and camels. 17 But the LORD afflicted The Republican Party with great plagues because of Sar’ai, McCain’s VP choice. 18 So on November 4, the Republican Party called McCain, and said, “What is this you have done to us? Why did you not tell us that she was such an ass? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my soul mate and a maverick,’ so that we took her for our own? Now then, here is your soul-mate maverick wackjob, take her, and be gone.” 20 And the Republican Party gave men orders concerning him and her; and they set them on the way…”
   Genesis 12 - 20, updated November 5, 2008

   Comment by Mrs D. — November 6, 2008 @ 1:53 pm

3. And let this tract be proclaimed from every Evangelical pulpit in America (and in the nation of Africa) for it is written that those dickheads will believe absolutely anything and will contribute the grocery money to the bearer of such tidings.

   Hey, nice day Mrs. D.? Nobody around here has done a lick of work for two days. They just glow or they gloat, depending on their natures. It’s time for the red states to sing the blues.

   Comment by Al — November 6, 2008 @ 9:52 pm

4. … or to sing the blues, and the praises thereof.

   Comment by Steve Alber — November 8, 2008 @ 3:32 pm

5. As Joan used to say, “Thus spake Sarah’s rooster.”

   Comment by Al — November 8, 2008 @ 4:31 pm

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