Destroy All Violence!

The Federal Miscommunications Commission (FMCC) has issued a report asking Congress to begin regulating violence on television.

The special report has been three years in the making while the commission struggled to achieve a crony quorum.

“Exposure to violent programming can be harmful to children,” the report states, “causing them to grow up opposed to the Iraq war and reluctant to enlist in the National Guard.”

The commission said violence could be regulated without infringing on first amendment rights, by way of example citing re-runs of “Murder, She Wrote,” in which some hateful bastard is usually killed.

“Re-runs have no first amendment rights,” a spokesperson said.

The report says the purpose of the first amendment is to allow outlets like Fox News to air tirades in support of the second amendment. As to all the other amendments, “those are largely myths perpetuated by the left wing conspiracy,” the commission stated.

The FMCC is particularly anxious to outlaw TV news coverage that purports to show casualties in the emerging Iraqi democracy.

“Suggesting that violence in Iraq has killed or maimed 32,000 Americans and 665,000 Iraqis during the democratization process is cynical political pandering by defeatists who hate America and its heroes,” the report concluded.

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